


I was bored so I wrote this

by dankmatter



Category: Bee Movie (2007), Cory in the House, Internet Personalities, Johnny Test (Cartoon), Paul Blart: Mall Cop (Movies), Shrek (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Crack Crossover, Crack Relationships, Drug Use, Explicit Language, Flashbacks, Gen, Minecraft lets play, Multiple Endings, My First AO3 Post, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Ransom, References to future works, Sorry Not Sorry, Threats of Rape/Non-Con, Transformation, Weird Plot Shit, Why Did I Write This?
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-05
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2018-12-24 05:47:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,663
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12006336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dankmatter/pseuds/dankmatter
Summary: Johnny starts a drug ring in Washington D.C. Meanwhile, Jake Paul plans on merging this universe and the YouTube universe, threatening millions of lives. Highly cracky, not safe for the sane of mind.





	1. Chapter 1

Johnny woke up with a whipcrack, smoking some of the devil's lettuce. He walked into the white house kitchen, seeing Cory in a revealing maid's outfit cooking pancakes. "Oh hey, Johnny, didn't see you there," he winked, a laugh track going off. They all sat down at the table, eating pancakes shaped like weed. "So, guys, how did the crack delivery go?" Johnny asked, whipcracks with each bite into the pancake. "Eh, we got a little carried away, but at the end of the day, we did deliver the weed." Barry stated.

_Shrek was riding his motorcycle through the city, with Barry flying behind. "u ok back ther barry-sama?" he ^_^ed. "Sure am, with that view!" Barry responded, of course talking about the White House. However, he accidentally crashed into a building. "BARRY-SAMA!" Shrek yelled, his titties jiggling, t/3/apots paying attention to them. For design._

_He rode over to the building. Barry was covered in crack and cement dust. "barry-sama! r u ok?" Shrek :'(ed. "Y-yes, my spleen is just s-s-slightly not there any-anymore" the bee said. "hear! hav dis poshon!" Shrek gave Barry a pink potion. He drank it, immediately healing him._

"Well, as long as the crack got delivered, that's all that matters," Johnny said, leaving to the lab, whipcracking with each motion. "Sisters, what is the progress on the new drug?" he asked. "Very well, we even came up with a name for it: Quipplevirdan!" Mary told him. "That sounds like an alien Ramadan," Johnny snarked. "It's better than Brian Griffin!" Susan fought back. "Alright, alright, I admit defeat! Remember you two, make it safe and live by your own means."

Cory dressed into a biker outfit, with liberal use of leather. "Well, I'm off to traffic some bath salts," he said, the audience laughing. A miniature TV turned on in the bike. "Ktdtdwtk Egkn, ziglt qkt iouisn qrroezoct rkxul," Paul Blart warned. "Paul Blart, it's not like I always do bath salts whenever I see them," Cory defended. "Ktdtdwtk sqlz Dgfrqn?" Johnny broke in with a guitar riff. "DON'T YOU DARE FUCKING MENTION LAST MONDAY!" he screeched, taking the television and throwing it in the actual Paul Blart's face. "Yxea ngx, Pgiffn."

Cory drove off into the country, heading to the southern border. However, he accidentally took a wrong turn and ended up in LA. "I have to move quick, otherwise the environment is going to kill me," Cory stressed. Suddenly hands covered his juicy expletive deleted lips and pulled him off the bike. The bike flew through twenty crimes, most of which being public murder, landing in a hobo's oil drum. "Get your hands off of me, normie scum!" he yelled, only for a pain to shoot up his back. Hey, what was thaaaaa..." He was unconscious.

"Bring him to J.P." the guy said as a much younger female grabbed the black kid, flying into space. "You better prepare for the storm, maggot..."


	2. Villain

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the late update, school and whatnot. Basically, as soon as I get home, I work on the next chapter. Do not expect daily updates, however.

Meanwhile, in another dimension...

Jake Paul walked onto the balcony of his mansion, staring at the red sky of the YouTube Dimension. This pocket dimension, located in a swirling supernova on the other side of the galaxy, consists of various planets, all of which in close enough vicinity to create a shared atmosphere, creating a beautiful skyshow of planets and stars. "It's funny to think how I got to the top," he admired.

His bedroom door opened, revealing two guards with a squirming bag. "Let him out, I'd like to see what this rebel looks like," he commanded. Out of the bag came Cory, who immediately charged, yelling like in my japanese animes. The punch was deflected by a shield. "Listen here, white boi, imma kick yo ass to Jupiter if you don't-" Cory's shouting was cut off by Jake using his personal volume scale. Before the black kid knew what was happening, he was tied up.

"You see, Cory, it's come to my attention that there are four people who can defeat me in this galaxy, and your one of them," Paul explained. "So, because of what plans I have for your planet, I cannot let you go."

Cory was scared and confused. "Oh, it will be amusing to see you pathetic non Californians crumble at my knees. Like your boyfriend, Shrek." Those words stung Cory's soul. He felt power flow through him. The ropes disintegrated. He jumped at Jake again, landing a punch. Jake's powerful hands grasped his neck, throwing him into the wall and trapping him in a force field. The field burned Cory's clothes off, turning his BBC into a vegana.

Cory felt himself transforming in other ways. His hair grew out, breasts quickly formed, and skin turned light. "There. Perfect. Logan, get the webcam on the line."

One of the guards lifted his mask, revealing himself to be the other Paul brother. He pushed a button on a nearby remote, pulling up a screen. Jake imputted some coordinates, revealing the White House. "Hello, spazes!"

Everyone was alerted to the kitchen. "jake?! We thought you were dead!!!!!" Shrek >:(ed. "Why did you call this line?" Barry asked. "I just wanted to show you what I did to Cory." Jake said, revealing Cory, slowly being aged up to 18. The maymays all yelled in shock. "Do the little betas miss their nigger? Well here's the deal. You give me that drug, and I'll give you your-" Jake's ransom was interrupted by Logan.

"Hey, Jake, what should we do with this?" he asked, squished a kawaii plush piece of toast. "Eh, just somewhere in their planet, I don't care, just make sure it finds it's hosts," Jake commanded, his brother running off. "Now as I was saying, you give me your fancy new drug, and you can see your friend, the way we was before. But, if you don't, I'll kill her after I'm done with her, and my dimension with collide with your planet, killing you all." Jake finished.

Both webcams cut off. "jonnyzorz!!!1! u hav 2 save corey!" Shrek yelled. "And I know he didn't insult my masculinity!" Barry yelled, his sweater ripping off to reveal fine muscular abs. "Sorry guys, I've been out of the game for so long, he'd kick my ass before I can say pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis," Johnny lamented. "but we gotz 2 do sumthin!!!!!!1!1!!1" Shrek said kawaiily.

Johnny stared out the window, seeing a guy get shot. He got an idea, "Pack your bags, Shrek. I think I know how to get Cory back..."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Johnny takes Shrek to a weapons cache.

The drive to the designated area was around 16 hours. The pair had been on every highway in the country, as well as some out of it. Granted, their destination was in Washington State, on the border with Canada. Johnny hopped out of the car with a guitar riff. "Shrek, we're here," he announced. Shrek :Xed, sick from the tight turns. "So, we're supposed to find a yellow gemstone, the Topaz of Light. It's supposed to be glowing, so-" Johnny's whipcrack barrage was interrupted by him stepping on something.

Go ahead, just guess.

"iz dat it?" Shrek said, making a •ω• face. "Oh, well it is! The Topaz of Light, found ingrained in a sign in another dimension," Johnny crackspositioned. The gem's glow began intensifying, so they took a step back to avoid getting blinded. The gem floated up, etching a large, oak door of yellow light. The door opened, revealing brightness. "do we go in???!!!" Shrek asked. "We have to. For Cory."

Shrek didn't want to think about his beloved's transformation. He wanted to help Cory, he wanted to be his knight. The two entered, almost getting blinded. They found themselves in a hidden base. "wich demeshone is dis?" Shrek inquired. Johnny checked his cellphones. "Earth-19999, the MCU dimension." Weapons aligned the walls, guns of all sizes, grenades powerful enough to destroy a small town, knifes that could impale a rhino. However, on a central table, the mother of all guns...

THE WARENDER!!!

Fifteen barrels. Knives adorning the handle. So big only the Hulk can use it. Can hold up to a thousand bullets per round. It was beautiful. Shrek and Johnny drooled at it as a guitar riff showcased it. "les get that 1 if its freee!" Shrek hopped. "Silly, silly ogre. Everything's free here. Get everything you can hold!" Thus began an equipping montage. The room was almost empty of weapons by the time they were finished.

"Jake Paul won't expect a thing," Johnny bragged, kissing one of the laser guns. Suddenly a door opened. "Drop the weapons or we'll shoot!" a SHIELD soldier yelled. "wat do we do, johnny-san!!!!!?????" Shrek panicked. Johnny responded by throwing a grenade, killing half of the soldiers. Fire went everywhere. "Shrek, find Barry, give him half of your weapons, find Jake Paul, and save Cory," Johnny commanded. "but wat about u???" "It's okay, I got thi-" Johnny felt bullets in both of his legs, yelling in pain.

Shrek grabbed Johnny and took him through the dimension door, shooting some soldiers. Johnny's weapons were left behind as the door retracted back into the topaz. "jonny!!!!! r u ok???!!!" Shrek asked. "Shrek... I think I'm paralyzed," he announced. Shrek was shocked. "no!!!!! u cant!!!!! u got 2 help us!!!!!" "Sorry, but I can't adventure anymore. Take me back to D.C., we need to see what the status on the quipplevirdan is."

Shrek put Johnny in the back seat and put his weapons in the trunk before driving off. Shrek didn't know what to feel at this. On one hand, he was just one step closer to freeing Cory. On the other hand, one of his best friends will have to be in a wheelchair for possibly the rest of his life. The drive back was completely quiet. No one even noticed the Topaz being stolen.

"So they want to stop my brother? Heh, well they got another thing coming," Logan said, teleporting back to YouTube with the gem.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for long absence, again. Sorry for not keeping my promise. However, I will try to update more often.

**Author's Note:**

> Now would be a good time to explain some things. Barry speaks normally, Shrek is a weeaboo, every motion Johnny does makes a whipcrack noise, everything Cory says is followed by a laugh track, and Paul Blart speaks in Qwert cipher, i.e. A becomes Q, B becomes W, etc., and he's always referred to as Paul Blart, narration or character, even if he's the only person in the area.


End file.
